Relationship Thursdays (The Experiment)

¡Hola! Everybody...
The weather here lately has been fantastic! Now, the weather is apart from our estimation of the day, right.

Right?

Today: more jacked up shit about relationships from someone who isn’t in one! LOL

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-=[ The Joyful Experiment ]=-

The Seven Factors of Awakening are mindfulness, investigation of phenomena, diligence, joy, ease, concentration, and letting go.

-- Thich Nhat Hanh

People think I’m kidding when I tell them that if they come to my workshop they may very likely leave their relationships.

It never fails. I have yet to hold a workshop where someone doesn’t tell me they left a relationship as a result of what they experienced in my workshop... this is true.

My workshops have nothing to do with relationships per se, but I used to think that part of the reason was that if you hold yourself to certain standards, you begin to hold others to the same standards and those that refuse or cannot be accountable, naturally fall by the wayside. I now realize that’s only part of the reason.

The other part is love. This is where it gets tricky, however. I hear people all the time say, “Today I love myself,” implying a past in which that wasn’t true. That’s cool, I can dig that. However, what I often find with such individuals is that they’re in love with their egos -- especially the dysfunctional parts of their ego. This is not cool. Let me put it this way: if what you love is the dysfunction, then how does that change anything for the better? I see a lot of angry people walking around these days, irreversibly in love with their anger. LOL!

Actually, loving in that way is not really love, it’s a form of clinging, something many of us (myself included) mistake for love. Loving yourself is important, but the real skill lies in exploring what you consider your self to be. For me (and this is part of my theoretical orientation <-- smart-sounding phrase), coming back to love meant that my sense of self changed as I let go of limiting beliefs about my self. How I perceive that mess of entanglements, coincidences, and floating pieces of conditioned debris I call “my self” today is very different from how I saw that nineteen years ago. For one thing, it includes more of my world: there’s me, my loved ones, my community, my state, my nation -- the world! I am not separate from all that.

Therefore, part of genuinely loving yourself is letting go of those parts that bring you unnecessary pain. When you love, there’s no clinging, there’s only freedom -- pure consciouness. We don’t see love in that way. We love somebody only if they agree to love us back. Or if we have someone that loves us, we guard that love as if it were a rare commodity. The upshot being that we sometimes live in fear of losing that love. For me, that’s not love, that’s a form of psychosis. If your relationship is based on mutual need, eventually that relationship will fail. any relationship not based on love is on shaky ground to begin with.

I’m sure by now someone reading this will be shaking his or head and thinking that I don’t know what the fuck I’m talking about and they may be right. However, how has it worked for you otherwise? I am aware of the internet phenomenon in which people who respond are sometimes perfect beings, were raised without hang-ups, are in perfect relationships, or used to be in “bad” relationships, but no longer are, and are well-adjusted, highly realized human beings. If you’re one of these individuals, then you shouldn’t read my blog, this is for the rest of us deeply fragmented, clueless, and mistake-prone mere mortals.

Life, for me, is an experiment; joy its intended result.

You can approach life as an artist/ scientist. Scientists take action and then observe the results. If that action does not bring the desired effect, they keep changing the actions until they find one that brings the results that are wanted. With an approach like this, you can observe the results of your actions and in that way move toward the desired result.

Let’s assume the desired result is joy. If you are experiencing pain, you can change what you do. You can also note which actions result in joy and expand on that expression.

As an artist, you can paint the picture of your life. If there are some elements, colors, or textures that do not fit your artistic vision of life, then it’s probably not working for you. Artists take risks and experiment in order to get in touch with their inner expression. Take the artistic risk and get in touch inside.

How?

Well, what ways have you tried in the past? How has going from one marriage to another, one relationship to another, worked for you? If your approach is to place the power of your vision externally (blaming others, God, etc.), the results -- joy -- will be limited by those outside factors. If your mood is dependent on whether it rains or not, for example, then it is safe to say that you’re going to be a crabby biatche a significant amount of the time.

Let's take loneliness. Oftentimes, we look for and stay in otherwise unrewarding relationships because we ant to avoid feeling lonely. Many people have confided in me that being with someone beats being lonely even if the relationship brings a lot of pain. My question then is: is that really true? How many times have you held someone in your arms and still feel a profound loneliness? Take a moment and look at everything you do and ask the question, “Does this bring me joy?” That is the only criteria to use, as you look at your life as an artistic scientist.

Love,

Eddie

The Mini Me

¡Hola! Everybody...
Today I am reposting one of my favorite pieces because I want to use it to frame subsequent posts...

We all possess what I call a “natural vision” -- a child-like (as opposed to childish) quality that insists on seeing the world with fresh eyes.

Unfortunately, natural vision is invariably sabotaged by an unforeseen element in our lives, which affects us both internally and externally. It is so powerful that it influences the way we parent, the way we treat our loved ones and each other, the way we do work each day. And... it influences how others treat us. We never expect or invite it, yet almost every aspect of our lives exists in its shadow. And though we constantly find evidence of its effects, this force is basically invisible and therefore never anticipated or understood. Oh yes, we do our best to put a good face on it in order to keep it hidden from others, thinking our dark secrets are ours alone, but it really doesn’t work: you can see the effects of this force everywhere.

What is this mysterious element in human nature that stalks and sabotages us?

STORY TIME!!! LOL!

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-=[ The “Mini Me” and the Creation of the “Personal Novela” ]=-

“Human beings are driven by a core wound -- this kind of madness that something’s missing. The more conscious they get, the more desperate that becomes... ”

-- Saniel Bonder

In Shakespeare’s Othello the protagonist and his young Venetian wife are deeply in love. Othello is a noble and simple-hearted soldier who trusts those around him. Desdemona, his devoted wife, loves him deeply and hangs on his every word. It is Iago, Othello’s advisor and apparent friend, who plays one character against another, creating an atmosphere of separation and distrust. He whispers doubts into Othello’s ear, inciting in him a violent jealousy that ultimately leads to a senseless tragedy.

We are all Othello’s at heart -- open, trusting wanting to see the best in each other -- and we are seduced and driven to insane action by our own invisible Iagos. Our Iago is a state of mind; he cannot be seen, he lives in the shadows. Yet his work can be seen everywhere. Iago whispers to us from within and through other people: it is the voice of a collective conditioning.

Our Iagos are like the “mini me” from the Austin Powers movies -- a smaller, angrier, and spiteful version of ourselves. A tragically funny alter-ego. Most of us live with a painful sense of separation from others, a nagging sense that something missing, and a deep experience of limitation, fear, and desire. We experience ourselves as small. As a result, we engage in a flurry of activity to avoid the objects of our fear and obtain the objects of our craving.

This is the dance of problem-based living and, although widely perceived as normal, it fuels an endless drama of struggle. It’s the main character in our personal novela – those unintentionally hilarious over-the-top Spanish-language soap operas. And no matter how hard we try, the poison seeps through the cracks in our armor, manifesting as disease, conflict, and perceived failure.

On a personal level, it can manifest as a general anxiety, or a body image problem. On a community level, it can sabotage something as seemingly simple as a blog. Globally, it is expressed as war, as economic and environmental madness. This force has been given many names. I have heard it called “The Gremlin,” or (for the fundamentalists here) “Satan.” Simply put, it is ego-based living, or as I call it, the “Mini Me.”

Unlike the movie, we cannot see or measure the mini me directly; we only know it by its effects. It is like a thief in the night: you actually do not see him, but you know he has been there because your valuables have been taken. This mini me is state of mind -- a social conditioning of sorts -- and it possesses certain qualities:

Sense of lack This is the essence of the mini me. Enough is never enough; we are never spiritual enough, skinny enough, smart enough, or hip enough. We filter all of our experience through this sense of lack.

Sense of separation Constantly reaching “out there” to fill up our sensed emptiness keeps us focused on a “me-oriented” reality, reinforcing our separateness.

Addiction Gripped in the throes of craving and lack, as soon as we sense that something external will “do it” for us, we latch on to it and become addicted. In this way, the mini me can lead us into unhealthy attachments to work, sex, food, drugs, the internet (Facebook? LOL!), or even romantic relationships.

Fear Once desire and addiction take over, we are overcome by a sense of non-specific fear. If we believe the perfect relationship will alleviate our sense of emptiness, immediately loneliness becomes a terrifying fate. What if s/he leaves me?!

Suspicion fear makes us suspicious, we trust no one completely.

Strategic living We always plan for the worst -- something bad can happen any moment (politicians are notorious for using this aspect of the mini me).

Anxiety There is notion that something is wrong, that we should be doing something more to be “complete.”

Hostile competition this is especially true in the realm of romance and love. If there is this notion that there is not enough, we must fight others who are trying to get it too! This is hostile competition as opposed to co-creation.

Next: the way out…

Love,

Eddie

Ego, Spirit & Relationships

¡Hola! Everybody...
As promised -- a continuation of “crazy wisdom” as applied to relationships... LOL

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-=[ Ego & Essence in Relationships ]=-

“People say, ‘I want love.’ Take away ego (I), and desire, (want) and what are you left with?”

Yesterday I received two communiqués from friends on the frontline of love. Why they try me, when I don’t even own a cat is beyond me. Maybe it’s because they think I’m smart, or because of my background in psychology, I dunno. In any case, both were in pain.

It’s funny because I was reading some interesting material that I feel bears on this whole relationship thingee. As some of you know, stages of moral reasoning hold a deep interest for me and it dovetails well with relationships. If we can picture love as a light, then as that light passes through us, it’s filtered according to what level of moral reasoning you’ve attained. At one end of the spectrum, there’s relating from an ego-centered perspective, at the other there’s a spiritual or essence-centered perspective. Both have huge implications of how and who and why we love. Perhaps you can think about this the next time you’re out on the front lines bleeding out...

First, ever notice how people often say, “I am angry,” or, “I am sad,” but almost never say “I am love”?

::arches eyebrow::

Ego-centered Relating

The major characteristic of ego is a sense of being separate and “unique.” To relate from an ego-centered perspective to experience love as a want -- something to fill that hole you feel at the core of being. Loving in this sense is grasping, clinging.

Relating from an ego-centered perspective is like making the commitment to turn your lover into an emblem of your sense of unworthiness, and to use that individual as a justification to forget who you really are. It’s a determination to make someone else your Higher Power -- to see them as the source of your happiness, security, sense of well-being.

In that way, it is almost certain you will blame them for the feelings of unworthiness, insecurity, lack of fulfillment, anger and discontentment that you feel. It’s always him who makes you unhappy. If only she could be the way you want her to be, you would feel better.

Egoic love is like taking a vow to use the relationship to practice and perfect your ability to judge and project. Self-centered relating is giving to get, and solidifying your perception of yourself as a powerless victim. Relating from an ego-centered, lower-stage moral standpoint is valuing the form of your relationship over its content, and to focus your energy on whether or not the other is living up to your needs as you have defined them. In this way, as long as your lover fulfills the desires and demands of your ego, you will love her and be nice to her. When they don’t, you will feel justified in criticizing and attacking him, manipulating him and trying to change and control him. You will use the relationship to practice your belief that safety lies in separation, in keeping secrets, in being defensive and attacking or withdrawing when you feel scared.

In this way, you assure that you will emerge from the relationship more angry, despairing, cynical, defensive, hopeless and convinced of your guilt (and his/ hers) than when you entered it.

Spiritually-centered Relating

Spirit, or Essence, for me is about the original self -- a higher self -- before all the garbage created in order to perfect the walls of our egos. Ego-centered relating is based on fear; essence-centered relating is grounded in love. It’s another way at pointing at our spiritual nature. We experience our essence in those moments when we become translucent enough to allow the light of love shine through us with the barest of distortion. From a moral reasoning development perspective, essence is relating from a worldcentric perspective, where the sense of separateness that marks ego-centered relating is absent.

Essence demands you deepen your acceptance of your own true nature as Love itself and using that as the ground from which you engage in love with your lover. It is committing to see your lover as a reflection of The Sacred, and think of her as a beloved companion here to help you wake up to the sanctity of existence. From this perspective, it is committing to join with your lover in healing whatever defenses come up in order to experience love.

In cultivating your capacity for unconditional acceptance, forgiveness, kindness, compassion and trust, you surrender your judgments and pave the way to see him as innocent and entirely lovable. In this way you may come to know yourself as the same. Essence leads you to focus on nurturing the content of the relationship, honoring her by doing your best to relate from a place of honesty and kindness. Where you see something lacking, you look to what you could give, instead of looking for what could be.

Resisting the temptation to control in order to avoid facing your own pain, essence will direct you to commit to stopping when confronted your own wounds and instead explore the true nature of your hurt. This can be scary because in sharing your process with another, you’re asking for support in opening your heart and in that way, surrender living under the thrall of your inner fears.

This sounds like a tall order, but it is infinitely more rewarding and healthier than anything you may have tried in the past. Relating from Essence is like returning home into the heart of Love together. It’s coming to the realization that through our relationships we may become our truest Self: free, whole, at ease, and capable of loving without condition.

Whew! LOL

Eddie